Favorite Quotes

  • You're not too old, and it's never too late

Saturday, June 25, 2016

When the Triggerer Comes to Town

So graduation season is upon us here in the United States, and with that comes numerous parties and celebrations, lots of good food and drink and....family. I'm not going to narrow anyone down, should they ever venture onto the Internet and discover my little blog, but let's just say I have a ED triggerer in my midst, and it's throwing me into a bit of a tailspin.



I've shared a little of my eating and body image issues with this one person, so he/she does know I've struggled with such matters for a while. This person knows I've been in treatment, and knows I'm working on my relationship with food and my body. Still...he/she continues to comment and remark about food in horribly damaging ways. In an effort to take care of myself and the headway I've made over the last few years, I've been meditating and trying to be mindful of what's important to me and my family.

Still, he/she does his/her best to wiggle under my skin and pick at all the little nits in my subconscious. I believe in my heart of hearts that he/she does not know he/she is doing this, but that doesn't make his/her comments any less hurtful.

Yesterday, after a round of golf, the group of us grabbed lunch. We were with two teenaged boys and my husband, who were all ordering burgers or sandwiches of some kind or another. I was leaning towards either a turkey burger, or a wedge salad when "The Triggerer" said, "I guess I'll be bad and have a burger and fries." Unable to control the sarcasm that has been brewing deep inside since his/her arrival, I replied, "Oh, it's bad to have a burger and fries?"

I kicked my husband under the table to make sure he was paying attention to all of this negative food talk.

"Yes," he/she said. "I could have a salad."

"And a salad is better than the burger?" I asked.

"Of course."

"Okay, so just so I understand where you're coming from, burger: bad, salad: good?"

"Yes. Or I could have a salad in place of the fries," he/she said. Mind you, this person eats more greens and salads than your average rabbit who has taken up residence in a backyard garden, but whatever.

When the waitress came to take our order, The Triggerer ordered the "bad" burger, then added, "Can you put some bacon on there, too?"

My eyes bulged. "Did you just add bacon to your cheeseburger?" I practically screamed.

He/she laughed. "Yes. I figure if I'm going to be bad, I might as well be really bad!"

Oh, Triggerer, my old self would have said, You are so strong with your food choices. One little cheeseburger isn't going to hurt you. Not if you make up for it and have a salad for dinner tonight, and restrict your intake of anything sweet. Cheeseburgers and fries ARE bad. I wish I could be more like you, but I'm so weak and wrong when it comes to food.




Then this morning....I'd made banana bread yesterday afternoon because I could no longer ignore the brown bananas in my fruit bowl that were begging to be changed from their ugly ducklingness into the swan that is banana bread. When I came downstairs this morning, The Triggerer was eating a Dannon Zero yogurt thing (something we don't usually keep in the house because we no longer buy into the "no sugar/no fat" nonsense). I reminded him/her about the banana bread. He/she followed me into the kitchen, rinsed out his/her yogurt container, then said, "Ok. I guess I'll have my dessert now" referring, of course, to the banana bread, the thing I considered my "breakfast." UGH.



There are more examples I could cite, but in an effort to keep anyone who might be reading this from falling asleep or clicking off my blog, I'll just say that it's taking Herculean effort to not buy into this person's warped food issues. It's taking every ounce of strength I have to tune him/her out and to stay strong in my recovery and my new beliefs about food and body image. Meditation helps, thank God. Having my husband and my daughters on "my side" helps. My girls, especially, are keenly aware of The Triggerer's comments. They shoot me looks of astonishment and understanding across the dinner table.

So this is life, right? Food issues and those who don't have a clue as to what's healthy and what's not surround us every day. I guess because this person is (sort of) in my family and knows my issues, his/her comments are more hurtful than those from anyone in the outside world. Our family often does the most harm when it comes to matters of food, eating and body image. I know he/she is living in his/her own world of screwed up food messages, and I need to understand that and accept he/she for who he/she is, but still, there's a big part of me that would like say, "Shut the hell up!"

Thankfully, I have less than two days with this person in my house. He/she boards a plane in 31 hours and twenty-two minutes.

Not that I'm counting.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Okay...I'm Back

So I deleted my blog a while back because, well...coming up with ideas for new, creative and inspiring posts had grown overwhelming. I wasn't working on any of my WIPs, and the blog had become this daunting black cloud..another task to which I wasn't giving any energy or attention. 




In February, I decided to get more serious about my writing--my REAL writing--not my blog. I set a personal goal to submit something--a piece of fiction, a personal essay, anything literary--every month. That meant I had to put everything else aside, and dedicate my writing time to serious projects. 





I'm happy to say that such dedication has already paid off! I had a piece published a couple of weeks ago on Mothers Always Write, a web site for us mom writers. My piece is entitled "Labels and the Damage Done." Please check it out here: www.mothersalwayswrite.com. Go to Current Issue, scroll down to In Mother Words blog section, and my essay is in there. I hope you like it! 



I have another piece out that has yet to be accepted or rejected, and I received two rejections on a short story about the sexual assault of a teenager. I'm going to try and rework that piece here soon. I think it's a good story. I just haven't found the right home for it yet. 

Submitting something in the month of June will be a challenge, although I did submit some "six word" stories to a journal yesterday. I like prompts like these. They push us to choose our words carefully, to make the most of them, to cherish brevity--something a lot of us writers need to do more. My oldest daughter is graduating from high school, her prom is this evening and we have guests coming from out of town for her graduation party later this month. Then we take off for vacation with my husband's family, so there are many things cutting into my writing time. I feel I've been making this time more of a priority in recent weeks, so I hope to keep it up. 


I shared a picture of the space where I write on Mothers Always Write Instagram, so I'll share it here as well:


That's my eldest, taking up my writing space, but whatever....


And a quote I've embraced as of late:



It feels good to be back in the blogosphere. I hope I return sooner rather than later.