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Thursday, April 16, 2015

Embracing the Struggle

I've been struggling with a number of things lately. Namely, the two things I address here on my blog: my writing and my eating issues. This picture aptly portrays how I feel at the moment:

Yes, I am an elephant trying to climb a steep hill. I'm hoping anyone stopping by might understand this feeling.

I continue to work on a novel I've been writing for the past seven/eight years. My drive for the story is waning. I just don't care that much about my characters anymore, and I no longer think the story is something worth telling. So I've started on something new, which has given me "life" this past week, but my inner editor won't shut her big trap, and that has kept me from sitting down, "butt in chair" as Anne Lamott says, and writing what I want to write.

I also struggle with blogging, if you can't tell. I don't know how professional bloggers do it--how they come up with interesting subject matter almost every day. Maybe my life isn't that exciting. Maybe I'm not getting out enough and not having enough "adventures." Hmm...I do have an adventure planned for late May, but more on that later.

I've also been wrestling with my food/eating demons as of late. I realize this is a continuous journey and these issues will rear their ugly heads at different times, but it feels like I've done a complete backslide. And this, after I'd been doing so well.

I haven't completely given into my old ways--not of eating--but definitely of how I think.

For anyone with ED issues, please weigh in here, but how hard is it not to let "diet mentality" creep in when it's EVERYWHERE in EVERYDAY life? I can't seem to escape it no matter how hard I try. It's on TV, on the radio, in the grocery store check out lines, in my family and some of my friends. AND...how difficult is it to try and explain to family and friends how you're trying not to think "diet" thoughts even though you need to lose a few pounds? Of course it makes sense...you need to lose weight, so you "should" be on a diet or restricting food, right? But my therapist and dietician say "no." It's hard for me to wrap my head around. I can only imagine what others might be thinking. And that's a struggle, too...not worrying about what other people think when you've done that your whole life. 

My most recent "diet mentality" slip up came a few days ago. I was in the car and listening to a station where the hosts were pushing this new weight loss program that requires no exercise (right up my diet mentality alley...). I came home and researched it and almost called to schedule an appointment. But I knew deep down it wasn't good. It didn't feel "right." So yesterday, I met with my new RD and thankfully, she helped talk me off the ledge. The program can't be good, because if what they promise worked, we'd all be doing it already. How many times am I going to have to learn this lesson? I just get so easily sucked in with diet talk. All. The. Time. 

Thank God for meditation and my supportive family. And friends. And therapists. I need a lot of help keeping my head on straight. So today I'm going to just: 

What else can a woman do? I'm going to work on my writing projects because now that I've blogged, my butt is already in the chair. I'm also going to try and be easy on myself. I hope anyone who's reading this and has the same issues at least knows they're not alone in the struggle. And if you're into meditation, check out this great app called, "Headspace." It's helpful for those who've been meditating a while, or for those just beginning.

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