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Thursday, March 19, 2015

Relapse Shmelapse

Returned from a session with my ED therapist today. It’s a good thing I met with her. 

I’ve kind of been flirting with relapse lately. As she so succinctly put it: “You’ve been having a bit of an affair with your ED in the past few months.”

And if I’m being completely honest, she’s right. She’s very smart. It’s why she gets paid the big bucks.

Relapse for me doesn’t look like someone bingeing and purging or secret eating. For me, it has been about feeding into new fangled diets, taking the bait whenever I read about a star’s weight loss, clicking on links to see how people are eating, what they’re cutting out of their diets. In other words, buying the whole diet business nonsense and applying it to my life. 

My therapist told me I can never buy into the nonsense or I’ll be right back where I was two years ago. She said diets and their witchy ways will always entice me, and I have to be aware and careful. She said I should meet with my nutritionist again. This all feels like me taking big steps backwards.

I had been cutting the cord from my Dynamic Duo these past several months because I’ve been in a pretty good head space. I’ve been more accepting of my body, I haven’t been beating myself up, I’ve been eating mindfully and exercising within normal limits (for me). 

But then something happened. I’ve had more personal stress in my life lately. Two deaths; family members bringing their personal stress to me and my taking it on; I’ve just recovered from a very bad case of bronchitis; my husband is away on business (a trigger for me) and I’ve been bombarded with these pictures of a friend of mine on Instagram that have REALLY triggered me.

My therapist said recovery from an ED ebbs and flows, so relapse is a normal part of this journey, and I get it. I blame a lot of what I’m feeling at the moment on being sick for two weeks. That’s never good for anyone and can really throw someone off recovery. 

So I’m trying to be easy on myself and be thankful that I have such a great support system and wonderful therapist to whom I can turn in times like these. One definitely can’t recover on their own, that’s for sure. God knows I can’t. I need all the help I can get. 

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