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Friday, June 27, 2014

A Glimpse of Recovery

Recovery. I’m fully immersed in it. And this is what it looks like for me:

I eat breakfast most every day.

I eat lunch most every day. 

I’m more tuned into and honor my hunger most every day.

I rarely overeat anymore. I can’t recall the last time I ate past the point of comfortable satiety and felt bad afterwards. 

I haven’t made myself vomit in over a year. 
I haven’t binged in over a year. 

I no longer allow diet mentality to rule my world. It sneaks into my head every once in a while, but it is no longer the angry dictator, standing on a balcony shouting at me to adhere to its beliefs and adopt its ways of life. Like the soldiers who toppled the statue of Saddam Hussein, I have overcome the diet mentality. Screw diets. 

I am open and honest with my food/eating struggles with those close to me and in whom I trust. I just shared this journey with my brother the other day. He was the only one in the family who didn’t know what I’d been going through this past year. It feels good to be honest with everyone. I no longer lie about what I eat or what I’ve eaten. I no longer hide food in my house. 

I’m more open to and friendly with people. I’ve learned to smile more and say hello to strangers. I feel people are nicer to me now. It’s true. You get back what you put out into the world. 

I meditate almost every day. I LOVE MEDITATING!! Those 20-30 minutes have become my favorite, most cherished moments of my days.

Killer, intimidating workouts ruined me for a while. They may have helped me dropped weight, but I always gained it back again because I couldn’t maintain that rigid lifestyle of killer workouts. I’m learning to enjoy movement again. It feels good. 

I’m not seeing my therapist and nutritionist as often as I have been. :o( This makes me sad only because these women are lovely and strong and I really like them. But it makes me happy because I no longer feel so dependent upon them. Like the strong, intelligent mothers of nature, they’re pushing their baby out of the nest. Things are progressing as they should be. 

I still feel shame every now and then, but that too is is falling away from me. 

I initially sought treatment for help with weight loss and learned I was a disordered eater. I haven’t lost any physical weight, but I haven’t gained, either. My nutritionist said this week, “If you had continued eating as you had been when you first came to see me, how much do you think you would weight now?” I’m not sure, but I’d definitely be heavier. I feel much lighter than I did 14 months ago. Maybe  now that I’ve shed so much emotional weight the physical weight will start to come off. Maybe not. Either way, it’s ok. 

For anyone who may be reading this and just starting on a journey to recovery...trust me, if you do the work, things get better. You will feel better eventually. I promise.

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