What are your triggers? What sets you off and has the ability to throw you off course?
Being that I'm currently in therapy working on my eating and food issues, I'm constantly aware of and very in tune with my triggers. Allow me to name just a few:
--people who talk about being on diets and watching what they eat
--people who talk about working out all the time
--comments like, "We all want to be thin and look our best"
--"Swimsuit season is right around the corner!" (one of my faves!)
--non-writers who say things like, "I've thought about taking some time off to write a book" (arrghh!)
I'm currently writing a memoir about my disordered eating and how it has affected my life. I've been struggling with a section of the book that has to do with sexuality and how I've seen myself as a sexual being. It has been tremendously difficult for me to write. I worked on this particular section for three weeks before sending it to the ladies in my writer's group. They came back with some solid, constructive criticism, but the whole experience has triggered me and this week has been challenging as far as my emotional eating goes.
This is what I had for breakfast yesterday morning:
There, now the whole world knows.
Thankfully, I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I can't get to her fast enough.
The difference with my emotional eating now (opposed to years past) is that I'm fully aware of what I'm doing, and I'm present in the moments I'm when I'm doing it. I realize why I'm doing it, and what the food is doing for me. Previously, I would have just eaten without any thought of why or what I was doing to myself.
So great! I have a deeper understanding of my ED.
But then why do I continue in this behavior?
Because old habits die hard. Because I've only been doing this work for 10 months. Because I still wrestle with loving and accepting myself for who I am and how I look. Because sometimes it feels like I will never conquer this demon.
I'm going to move on to another section of my memoir and go back to the "sexuality" section at a later date. I'll get through it. The first draft is down on paper, at least. That's often the most difficult part--just putting it out there. And I'm going to go--right now--and do an exercise DVD. Maybe the activity will get my blood going and help clear my head.
If anyone reading this has any insights or suggestions or would like to share what triggers them, I'd love to hear 'em.