This week has been up and down for me. I'm not sure why. It might have to do with my husband being away on business, or maybe it has to do with my hormones, which are shifting like tectonic plates beneath the ocean. I've recently become an official member of the Change-of-Life club, and physically my days range from pubescent cramps and irritability to fanning the hot flames of middle age flash.
These symptoms aren't making my life in recovery easy. I gave in to emotional eating the other day, something I haven't done in months, and I feel bad/guilty/ashamed of it. I didn't indulge like I used to, I just didn't "honor" my hunger like I have been these past several months. It feels out of the ordinary when I fall back into this old habit. I try to "sit with the uncomfortable feelings" as suggested by my therapist, and I do sit with them much longer than I ever have. But inevitably, I give in and do what I've always done, which is comfort myself with food.
We've had some stressors as of late, and I think these have played a role for me this week as well. I wish I could throw myself into exercise and working out when stress gets to me. I hear other people do this, and I wonder why I can't/don't.
If it were only that easy. I realize it is for some. Maybe someone reading this is thinking the same thing: Just do it!
I've also been getting a lot of work/writing done on my memoir this week and that has brought up old, hurtful feelings from the past--definitely something that could throw me off. At least I'm writing through those feelings. There have been many times when I've sat down to write and have stopped because the topic of the day was too difficult for me to face. As a writer I've come to accept the fact that writer's block doesn't exist--it's just that things get uncomfortable or difficult for us and we don't want to write and work through them. At least that's been the case for me.
So, today I'm going to get off the roller coaster. I'm going to be easy on myself (another thing I'm working on!) and I'm going to get some exercise in. Then I'm going to see my therapist. I'm sure she'll have some words of wisdom. She always does. I hope anyone reading this is taking it easy on themselves as well. And if you have any words of wisdom to share, like how you deal with falling back on hold habits, I'd love to hear them.
For now, enjoy Love Rollercoaster by the Ohio Players!